finding balance, ramadan as a revert

sharing my thoughts with you as the last few days are upon us

This year, I promised myself to reclaim my sparkle. I’ve prayed to Allah (SWT) for His goodness, and this month has been a journey of growth. I love that we always feel there’s more to do- it keeps us striving, and humbled to our imperfections, of which I am sure I have many. As Ramadan ends, I want to carry this momentum forward.

Here are a few reflections from my experience this month:

1. The Importance of Seeking Knowledge

I’ve come to realise how important it is to seek knowledge while staying true to myself. Not all of us have the patience of a scholar, or will know the beauty and stillness of a shepherd. But whatever Allah (Swt) has written for us, there is wisdom in it, and it too will hold its own beauty.

For a part-time perfectionist and all the time over-thinker, Islam is teaching me the art of balance. That even if my Arabic skills are not strong enough to become a scholar, that doesn’t mean I should stop seeking knowledge.

People often ask me about Islam, maybe because I’m a revert, maybe because curiosity follows new beginnings. I want to learn more, not just for myself, but to guide others, even if it’s just pointing them in the right direction. For Example, at my mum’s friend’s mother’s funeral, she asked about the grave, and that same day, SubhanAllah, Yaqeen Institute’s Ramadan series popped up answered what I didn’t know I needed. So much of my learning has come from the questions of others. Their curiosity has been my teacher, may Allah (SWT) reward them for it.

After the first episode, I kept wondering about the grave. What mine would be like. Will it open with peace and a glimpse of Jannah, or will it be heavy with punishment? Then the second episode spoke of the names we will be called on the other side. I keep thinking about mine. On days when my inner critic is loud, I fear the angels will call me by names that hold the weight of my lowest moments. Those names frighten me, the ones in my head. If they were uttered in the heavens above, it would shake me to my core.

But if I step onto the optimistic side- if not the worst, then what name could truly represent me? Maybe The One Who Tries or The One Who Is Trying . Because through every test, every harsh reality, I have tried. Even when trying was just existing. To pray, to eat, to sleep, to remember Him.

I haven’t watched them all, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep learning. It’s like never watching Harry Potter as a kid and thinking I missed my chance, only to still feel the urge now. But I won’t let that happen with knowledge. A “Ramadan series” isn’t just for Ramadan. I won’t let feeling behind stop me from pressing play on the days that follow Eid.

@Yaqeen Institute on Youtube, please check it out if you have yet too. Always such a moving, thoughtful and easy to watch series during Ramadan.

2. The Importance of Prayer

I forget there was a time I didn’t know how to pray. When I’d place a sheet of paper or my phone in front of me, reciting in broken pieces, panicked I was getting it all wrong. In mosques, I’d glance to the side, copying the woman next to me, a grown woman in my twenties yet feeling like a child learning to walk. I would leave the mosque feeling two degrees warmer, sweating from the anxiety of not knowing.

This ramadan going to the mosque for Taraweeh and Tahajjud reminds me of these moments and how grateful I am that I can pray in Arabic now. I might not understand what it is I have memorised, but I feel it in my heart. I no longer look to my sides in the Masjid, but instead my focus is on the ground in front, and every word I hear or recite is felt deeply in my heart.

I came home from Taraweeh to job openings that made my heart gleam. I came home from Tahajjud to news that my grandpa’s final days may have begun. That night before the news, I prayed for his peace- that he wouldn’t suffer beyond what he could bear. It reminded me to be better, to live Islam fully, so those I love are drawn to it. I want to see my family in Jannah.

Allah (Swt) is showing his mercy to me in so many ways this Ramadan, how could I not keep turning to him in my moments of need. I will always need Him.

What I used to get to grips with Salah:

a. (PDF): https://salamcenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Prayer-Guide.pdf

4. The Home is Where the Heart is, And the Heart is Where The Food is

I’ve always known the dinner table is the heart of the home- where people gather, whether together or alone. On the floor, the sofa, or the table (I often sit on the floor, sometimes even sleep there, haha). Ramadan reminded me how food is central to friendship and conversation. Even outside the home, we gather over a cuppa or break our fasts in busy restaurants, sharing the details of our lives. To have our next bite without worry is a blessing, and to deny someone food is to take away their humanity, robbing them of something so basic to life. To taint their heart with worry.

Here are some snaps from my meals this month. People often ask if I get lonely in Ramadan. Maybe at times, but I’m grateful. Even when I break my fast alone, I’m surrounded by Allah's love and mercy. I have access to the basic human necessities we should all have; whether it’s the dinner table, my groovy floor cushions, or a café. It’s all a blessing.

yes my fork is in ketchup and yes I had crisp and cola for Suhoor. we listen and we don’t judge. oh yeah, i also guilt tripped my mum into eating the melted lolly haha

4.Three Things I’ve Watched This Ramadan

A.The Thinking Muslim.

While the podcast interviews are great for longer sessions, sometimes my day or attention span calls for something quicker. I avoid mainstream news sites, they often carry unnecessary and dehumanising bias. But yeah, I love how this new short-form content touches on current affairs in a timely, more direct way. It might just be your new go-to for a quick binge or morning catch-up.

‘The Genocide Must Be the Jolt That Awakens Us From This Slumber’ - The Thinking Muslim

B. Adolescence

Not directly related to Ramadan, but even with this watch my mind is still focussed on what matters (yes im the annoying friend who talks too much and dissects the series before it’s finished).

The rise of incel culture is a bit terrifying, isn’t it? As women, we can feel it in the world around us. Now, I get that everyone’s buzzing about the camera angles and impressive one-take shots, which, let's be real, are pretty cool. But the bigger issue here is the message. The world is becoming a more dangerous place for women, and it’s clear we need more awareness, more support, and a real shift in how we view each other. This isn't something we can leave to someone else. I want to keep researching, working, and volunteering to tackle these issues. It’s on all of us to make a difference, starting with how we educate and raise our future generations. It reminds me also of the last message our Prophet Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him had uttered in his final sermon:

I am leaving among you two precious things, and if you adhere to both of them, you will never go astray. They are the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Prophet. O people, be kind to women, for they are your partners and committed helpers. You have rights over them, and they have rights over you.

C. As Long as the lemon trees grow

I’ve had way too many tears while driving listening to As Long As The Lemon Trees Grow, a story following a woman named Lina through the war in Syria. Because of my tears becoming a health hazard whilst driving, I’ve had to borrow some headphones and listen to it at home instead. Sometimes, it’s nice to change up our routine. I usually escape into physical copies of slow-burn romance novels, but this was a refreshing change. It’s a reminder to keep things balanced and mixed up once in a while. And yeah, I’m probably super late to the game in reading this book, but maybe there’s someone else out there who’s kept this your TBR list for too long, or maybe you’re finding the suggestion here. It truly is a gem of a book, and while I haven’t finished it yet, I will, InshaAllah.

I would love to own the physical copy of this book, as it is so beautiful InshaAllah off to the bookstore I go

5. Small Reflections and Afterthoughts

This Ramadan, I reached 100 subscribers- now around 145, and it’s been such a meaningful journey, I started only this year and my gratitude is only growing for the community I am building here. I decided to test the waters and create a new Instagram account for my writing (and my side quests).

Because putting my character back into my writing is something I have missed, even in my own notes app I lost touch of myself for a while, scared to be vulnerable even to myself. I feel like I lost the art of showing who I was, but I’m slowly finding my way back.

It’s also been two years since I put on the hijab, and I’m reflecting on my journey as a revert. I might share more about this journey soon, as there’s so much I’m still learning about my deen. And as it turns out, this is my third Ramadan as a revert, and I’ve been a Muslim for just over two years now, alhamdulillah.

Anyway, I legit hiked Petra while fasting my first year with no complaints, but this year, I’ve found myself more lethargic. Therefore, I’ve been trying to get up before Iftar for my gym session or a long walk.

But If there's one thing I want to take away from this Ramadan, it's BALANCE. Even if you can't take ten steps, just one step towards Him is enough. Don’t give up on the journey guys.

Balance, balance, balance. Sorry readers, I just need to keep telling myself this, at any cost hahaha

It’s funny because I never realised I had to hike to see this wonder, my impulsive side won again. Anyway I turned up in sandals, great choice.

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Thank you for getting this far and reading my thoughts out loud with me!! I appreciate it all much more than you could ever imagine. May Allah (Swt) reward you and accept your duas in these last few days of our blessed month.

jerilee xo

Surely Allah loves those who always turn to Him in repentance and those who purify themselves.

Quran 2:222